Desolate

I have so much to say, yet nothing to say at all; I don't know if I'll be able to pull the words from my heart, through my shoulders, through my arms, to my hands today. It's a twisted paradox that makes it difficult to write a blog with as much enthusiasm as I usually feel, but I hole up, create walls and sit in those confines all alone far too often, so here's my feeble, momentary attempt to defy my usual trend. And yet, I can't help but think it all in vain, this vulnerability.

I've decided that I really like nice people. I guess most people do, but lately I've felt prone to especially appreciating them. As I've been applying to different places for jobs and calling to follow-up, I've talked to some of the most helpful, kind people; these strangers I've never even seen brightened up my day when many of those that I know, that I talk to often, that I spend time with haven't afforded me with the same type of seemingly genuine interest. I make it seem that I need all sorts of special attention, but it's not like that; it's more that I simply desire to have someone of which I can depend on--and those someones seem to be very scarce (or in another country). Some reciprocity would be nice; and not feeling like opening up who I am, what I think, how I feel is a burden on another would be the nicer still, which I guess is why I'm communicating this to a blog rather than an actual person. I miss feeling needed by someone and it's bothering me that strangers seem to care more than the people I'm closer to. Maybe my perspective is just especially skewed and unclear; however, whether I'm justified or not, it doesn't matter. The only person that I have to live with 24/7 is myself, so I think I just need to find ways to keep myself busy and distract myself. In fact, my mom, in her good nature, suggested that I look into some type of service, which sounds like a wise idea, though, ironically, it's when we're feeling down or having a hard time that it feels hardest to step up and focus on other people's problems. It really helps, though. I'll keep my eyes open for someone who needs me.

There's so much more I could say, and even feel like saying to a certain extent, but this is enough for now.