From Carefree to Caustic

Imagine yourself in your room, that place of comfort and familiarity, with the blinds open, some slight light streaming through and your favorite radio station (mine happens to be 94.7) playing. Do you see yourself dancing? I do. In fact, I happened to do that today. There's something so freeing about being able to move the way I want, be it weird, suggestive or any other way, without thought or worry or concern of what others think.

It's too bad that most of day wasn't that carefree.

Apparently I should be more teachable. Apparently I should be less defensive. Well, a big shout out and thanks to those who have pointed that out, but, if that truly happens to be the case, do you really think that kindly telling me that is going to accomplish much? All I'd do is get defensive and not listen if you did, right? So, with that said, maybe next time you shouldn't waste your time and effort, for, if I really am what you say I am, it would all just be in vain.

I sure love it when people point out the obvious for no rhyme or reason, especially when I already know what I need to work on.

Wearing High Heels to Work: The Epitome of a Bad Idea

In spite of having a well-coordinated outfit, multiple compliments from co-workers about how cute my shoes are and pants that didn't drag on the ground, high heels are one of those inventions that people take part in out of stupidity--me included. What's more, is that, even though those blasted shoes hurt my feet, I'm going to continue wearing them. Please applaud me for being so judicious in my choice of wanting my stubby legs to look longer than they really are over practicality.

Not unlike Annie Dillard's encounter with a weasel in Living Like Weasels, I stumbled across a gopher today. I was walking along one of my favorite paths to walk on next to my house when I stopped momentarily to better hear a voice message I had received from the very person who made that path so special to me; and then, after experiencing some slight nostalgia, I looked to my right to see a little brown gopher with big teeth popping his head through a hole. There was a pile of dirt next to his meager hole as if he was in the process of making some new additions to his home and I think I interrupted his work by so rudely staring at him for what felt like minutes. When I didn't turn my head, his gaze met mine and we stood fixed, entranced. What an odd occurrence it is to feel such a connection! Though I envy that gopher's lifestyle in the sense that he really has only two things he needs to worry about (having food and having shelter), what a dismal thing it would be to live underground; I would much rather choose the freedom of the sky as a bird. However, just as I barely pointed out, I'm sure the gopher doesn't know any better, doesn't worry that he lives in a hole nor complains about his place in life. What a cruel joke being a human can (I say can, because I must concede that we have the ability to improve our circumstances in many cases) be: we are given a certain place in life but we have the ability to be bothered by it.

What's the best way to gain and keep a lot of friends? I'm completely convinced that a major part of it is merely not caring. In friendships, it's quite easy to be offended if the other person doesn't seem to be reciprocating, if he or she seems to not come to talk to you about things anymore; and I think many people decide that, in order to set the friendship right, they must express that concern to their friends, explain that they care and that they're bothered by the way things are going. But the best way to keep those friendships are going is just not caring. Not caring causes you to not be offended by every little thing. Not being offended by every little thing causes you to not have overly high expectations. And not having overly high expectations causes you to take some of the things people do with a grain of salt and allows you to continue considering someone a friend. I find myself having a hard time not caring about things sometimes, but it's really when I don't care, when I don't let trivial things affect me, that my friendships flourish.

I finished that book about investing I spoke of last post! I really breezed through that thing. As a kid, it seemed that only fiction could ever catch my interest, but, as I continue to grow, I've really found a lot of treasures in both fiction and nonfiction, just different types of treasure yet both important nonetheless.

I recently had a conversation with a family friend about how, in school, we are forced to interpret pieces of literature certain ways and are told by people "in high places whose opinions really matter for some reason" that this poem means this and nothing else. I've decided I extremely dislike the boxes people create when it comes to art in the written form; I know that when a writer writes something, a poem for instance, that they often are trying to say something with his or her work, but words are such beautiful, subjective beings and I think a true writer wants their words to be something freeing, a creative adventure--and not something so narrow in scope that it has to be taken in only one way. I think that's why I've always had such a difficulty when I've been asked in school to pick out the important information in a piece of literature; in my mind, people place value on different things and what's important to me isn't important to the next person, which is why I hate it when some person decides that there is only one definite answer. Out of all the questions that ever present themselves in life, I feel like it's rare that there is ever only a sole answer.

Doing the Right Thing

I recently stopped talking to someone. As time continues, I learn more and more that even if you care about someone, even if a big part of you desires to associate with that said someone, that doesn't mean you should; sometimes whether you talk to someone or not is a matter of doing the right thing and, when you discover the appropriate path, it's best you take the corresponding action and go through with it--even if it's hard in a way. People can have a lot of good qualities and still not be meant to be in your life. I guess it's a matter of realizing that emotions are irrelevant; one should live a life of honor most of all, where one feels good about who one is and what one does. And merely associating with someone (or making any other type of choice or action) is never worth sacrificing that. The people who are meant to be in your life will expound on your virtue, honor and make you feel good about them being in your life.

The materialism of many women really makes me laugh sometimes, especially when they think that it can substitute sincerity and true emotion. This past week, my mom and I got into a conversation about how many women expect their husbands, boyfriends, significant others, etc. to buy them flowers if an argument has taken place; if the men in their lives wish to gain any amount of forgiveness, then some type of gift is in order. I, personally, think it's ridiculous! In a lot of cases, it seems that materialism trains men into thinking that flowers are a quick fix, causing men's apologies to be anything but genuine; it's as if any hope of change, any sorry that was in order, wilts just as the rose petals do and then men are back to their old habits. When the time comes for me to be in some type of committed relationship, I want the man I love to know that he doesn't have to buy that love with flowers or other nice things; moreover, I want our kind words and loyal actions to be what truly count, so that, if we ever for some strange reason get into a fight (like that could ever happen!), we resolve it in sincere, genuine ways that asks for true effort rather than shallow gifts that, in the end, amount to nothing.

I know generalizations are not always the best things to go with, but this one is not far from the truth: the male race is terrible at listening! I know I shouldn't be so surprised, for it happens quite frequently, but I still find it shocking and, not to mention, extremely annoying each time I experience it. So many times I feel like my voice isn't really valued--and it's something I see with other females as well. If I'm only around guys, I find myself continuously being interrupted; I find myself not being listened to after I intently listen to what each one of the guys I'm with has to say. I know our country has gone far in the area of women being treated as equals, but it seems like there still is this gap in many a man's mind that makes them think that what they have to say is somehow more important than what women have to say, that what women have to say is worth interrupting and not listening to. However, much of that will unlikely change, which is why I'm not really writing this to complain or anything; I'm writing this to express my deep appreciation, admiration and respect for those men that truly listen, that value what I have to say. There truly are people in this world that defy the norm and, though I find them a great exception, I think I tend to treasure them a lot more because they are rare diamonds amongst mounds of coal.

This past week I started reading a book about investing. I've always heard that investing was a good idea but it was never something that caused a deep interest to take root inside me--until this book. Admittedly, I am fairly ignorant when it comes to the money game, but now I have a desire to learn and a desire to sacrifice in order to become financially independent. I know becoming so will take time, but I'm excited about all the opportunity that is open to me and up for grabs! In this book, it speaks of discovering your own personal reason for wanting to invest and how it's so important to do that since that reason will carry you through all the difficult times and I think I discovered my reason: someday I'm going to be married and have children and I want to be able to focus on those relationships instead of always having to worry about scraping by. For me, my reason for wanting to invest is all about relationships and having those relationships enriched; I want my husband to know that I'm with him because I want to be--not because I need to be in order to be financially secure--and I want my children to have more than I have had. The book is directed towards women, so I wouldn't say I recommend it to everyone, but I do recommend that everyone give up a little time to actually look into investing and what it can do!

As to what I've been up to lately, I've mostly just been working. There is a definite learning curve in any new job that is undertaken, but I'm looking forward to the time that I am more confident in my knowledge and that things just become second nature. Hope all is well with you guys!

Balloon Stealer

I stole something today. They were round, colorful, full of helium and tied around a sign that said: "1,2 & 3 bedroom apartments." With Jacob as the driver and with Meghan's house key in hand, I cut the balloons loose when the street was as clear as it was going to get and ran back to the car in order to try and stuff the balloons through the door; however, there were many more balloons than I was expecting, so I squished as many as I could in the back with Meghan (who was almost completely smothered) and cut the rest loose. We had fun sucking helium out of a few of them and trying to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star! What a great idea, right?

Work, Nicole and 27 Things About Me

When I'm starting something new, I usually feel a more-than-I-should amount of nervousness; wanting to be perfect at whatever I embark on plays a big role into that anxiousness, if I were to take a guess. However, though I did feel a little nervous starting at Bank of America today, I found myself being far more at ease than I was expecting. But I'm not complaining! I mostly shadowed one of my co-workers and got to do some hands-on learning, which turned out being really nice. All the people in my branch are women; surprisingly, I think I'm going to like that. I still have tons of room for improvement, but I would say that it was a good first day and I'm excited to get fully situated.

Nicole Rose is leaving for college tomorrow! It's a good thing I got back from Utah yesterday so her and I could see each other today. As our time together was nearing a close, I found myself not knowing how to say goodbye; the best way to do it, in my opinion, is to just act like it's any other time you're saying goodbye. There's really no need to dramatize things.

Because I don't really have anything else to write and because I just feel like doing it, here's a list of 27 things about me that you may or may not know (for those who read, you should tell me how many of them you sincerely knew, just for fun!):
1) When I do my make-up, it takes me the longest to put on mascara; I guess I just like having my eyelashes look nice.
2) My back has hurt everyday--without fail--since 6th grade. I honestly don't remember what it feels like not being in pain all the time.
3) When I'm tired, I have a tendency of rubbing my forehead and/or my eyebrows.
4) I really love running, walking or riding bikes at night, all by myself. There's few other things that can relax me as much.
5) I hate having my nails long because it makes me feel dirty.
6) I always sleep with a fan on at night, because I'm easily annoyed and have a hard time falling asleep to any other distracting noises that may be taking place in a house.
7) I find it easier to cry at a wedding than a funeral.
8) My favorite joke involves a cow and three baby calves.
9) Sometimes I'd rather go to Portland all by myself instead of going with other people, because I like not having to talk to anyone if I don't want to and being able to take in the whole scene, energy and aura of the city a little more.
10) I'd rather have a simple, cheaper wedding ring than a glamorous, flashy one; I also don't see the sense in having an engagement ring AND a wedding band. Just give me one dang ring please!
11) I have a bad habit of leaving my purses places (i.e. movie theaters, parks and people's houses), causing me to wonder why I carry one around at all.
12) When people smack their gum, I want to punch them in the face.
13) I think I look prettier after I've cried because my eyes turn super green.
14) I really like writing in journals; I have three that are already completely full and I'm more than halfway on my fourth one.
15) My favorite sports are probably basketball and volleyball, though I'm not really amazing at either.
16) I'm extremely competitive and I'm a big talker during games; however, I lose most of the time.
17) I ate a ladybug when I was little once.
18) I love the smells of gasoline and sharpies--but I don't sit there and sniff them.
19) My favorite flowers are lilies, roses and gerbera daisies.
20) A hammock is going to be found in my backyard when I have my own house.
21) When I get married, I'd feel content at living anywhere really, but, at some point, I hope to live in Bangour, Maine and Gig Harbor, Washington.
22) Most of my dreams are bad ones, involving me running away from scary people, not being in control of a car and smoking and drinking (even though I've never done that in real life and don't have much of a temptation to do so).
23) People who truly listen and ask me questions about how I feel, what I think or what I'm talking about have my heart.
24) Taylor Swift music annoys me now.
25) I have an extremely close relationship with my mom; I can tell her anything, probably more than basically everyone in my life.
26) When I think of perfect, genuinely good people, Cheyenne Webb, Matthew McDermott and Spencer Marsh are the people who come to mind.
27) I'm a big fan of roller coasters.

Life's Cruel Paradoxes

I've discovered at least two of the cruel paradoxes of life since the last time I wrote:

1) When I try to distance myself from others, when I build walls around myself, when I am secluded and morph into a hermit, I feel lonely; and yet, when I strive to put myself out there, when I drop myself into a crowd of people, when I fill my time with hanging out with friend after friend, I still feel lonely. Is there anything out there that takes this away?

2) After much consideration and observation of others, I've concluded that kissing (and all that comes after) creates yet destroy everything. What is meant as a beautiful show of affection that can take a relationship to new heights can, on the other hand, under the wrong circumstances, kill a friendship and breed bitterness. I guess it's a matter of experiencing those things with the right person--at the right time.

I just got back from Utah earlier today; as always, I had mixed emotions about leaving. It was amazing seeing family again and I'm extremely grateful that my little brothers Max and Jaden still remember me, though months sometimes pass between the times we get to see each other. I have to say, though, I did not miss the disgusting, almost milky water and all the cockroaches that can be found in St. George. My sister Sammy got married and I had to try hard not to cry when I was standing in the bridesmaid's line; there's just something so precious about the union of two people who love each other, in spite of any obstacles that may exist. Being I am a girl, I couldn't help but think about the day that I get married sometime in the future. So many people get married prematurely and then there are others that discourage getting married until after college; however, I don't know when I will get married and I kind of just like thinking about cutting the cake when the time is right, without thought of "Oh, it's too early" or "Gosh, I waited until I was 28." I also decided that I hope to not get too caught up in having a perfect cake and flower arrangements; I think it's so easy for girls to slip into stress from worrying about the most trivial parts of a wedding and I really just want to focus on the person I love. I'm sure that's easier said than done, as most things are.

I have a question! If you're not officially in a relationship with someone, but, inside, you really like that person and care for them, are you being disloyal to them and your feelings if you are going off with other people and allowing for yourself to feel attractions towards those said other people? Should you stay perfectly true to that one person you genuinely want to be with, even if you both don't have a title, and just cut yourself off from others of the opposite sex? That doesn't make any sense, does it?--Ha, that last one's merely rhetorical.

I also have a joke! What is the most dishonest animal in the whole wide world? A lion. I made that one up myself this past week, so don't make me feel bad by telling me how lame it is and reiterating what I already know deep down :)

I also have a conversation to relay to you!

Me: "Grandma, I heard you were looking at the Hyundai Genesis?"

Grandma: "Oh, yes! Grandpa and I are hoping to get it when the ship comes in!"

Me: "Mom showed me pictures on the computer and it looks really nice. What are all the things you like about it?"

(Grandma proceeds to list a few different answers, none of which I remember except for one) Grandma: "...And it has this thing in the middle of the car that kind of looks like a map, but it talks to you!"

Cheyenne: "You mean a GPS?"

Grandma: "Oh, I don't know!"

(Cheyenne and me slightly bouncing up and down in the back of the car as we try to hold in our intense laughter while grandma continues talking like nothing happened)

Sorry this was so long, but it's been awhile! My first day working at Bank of America is tomorrow; I'm really excited, but kind of nervous as well. Let's hope I catch on quickly!