The Root of All That is Good and Evil

Starting school next week does not sound all that appealing to me. Though for different reasons, I remember dreading going to school first term as well; and yet I actually ended up enjoying it. I hope I have such luck this upcoming term.

Speaking of school, I find it so interesting that, in spite of having less friends, in spite of paying thousands of dollars to attend and in spite of classes being more difficult, college is so much more enjoyable than high school. After thinking about it for awhile, I've come to the conclusion that, at least for me, the enjoying stems from one root--and that is freedom. Coming and going as I please, not being micromanaged as much and choosing more of the classes I want to take are all mere manifestations of this increased freedom. Such importance there is in freedom! When used appropriately, correctly and prudently, how extensively it can brighten a circumstance that would otherwise be bleak.

But what opposition there is in our agency! Where much joy, goodness and peace may resound, there is also much lamentation, deterioration and contention. To think that the consequences of cold men crashing humans into skyscrapers can be traced to the same thing that the consequences of a heroic man risking his life to save lives is completely valid, yet completely mind-boggling.

However, maybe it's the stark difference in the outcomes of freedom that make us better appreciate it. After having six days of sunshine and then having a seventh, would you be as overjoyed on that seventh day as you would be if you had six days of rain, thunder and lightening and then the next day had sun? The negative outcomes of freedom should evoke in us a feeling of gratitude for the positive outcomes of choices and cause us to fix in ourselves a determination to hold fast to our freedom, whilst shunning that which would seek to destroy our agency, or even another's agency (whether that be an evasive government, drugs, murder, etc.).

So everything is made more beautiful because of freedom; even things that seem to have good intention behind it (such as high school) can be made more dull or worthless or evil when freedom is chiseled or altogether blown.

Wooden Toilet Seats are Warmer

There's a profound power in a change in geography--even if it's only for a few days. Being around the same landmarks, shops, etc. so easily can drag one down with the emotions and nostalgia and bitterness of certain memories; escaping those remembrances for a short time, however, often makes it easier to face them once again, but with less attachment, for which I am grateful.

I watched my grandpa talk a lot these past few days, especially at dinnertime. Generally speaking, he seems to be less prone to feeling the need to talk to a whole bunch to people, but I've discovered that he is extremely passionate about food and what better time to talk about food than when you're eating it? I know you're probably thinking, "Well, of course, he's passionate about food--he's a man"; however, his passion about food is more founded upon the concept that it is extremely important to be cautious about the things you put inside of you, the "being healthy" aspect of food, if you will. I found it intriguing to watch his eyes come to life, this 83-year old man be more energetic than a 13-year old and, most of all, see chunks of food come shooting out his mouth because he's missing some of his front teeth. My grandma and grandpa seem to structure their whole day around food, preparing it and making sure it's healthy. I wonder if that just happens as you get older, you know, where what matters the most when you were a baby becomes one of the most important aspects of life once again?

I've also realized lately that I have a hard time missing most people. It's not a matter of not caring, for there are many people that I care immensely about, nor is it a matter of not desiring to see someone on a more frequent basis; but it just seems like it's fairly easy for me to get on with my day and not have it affect me too extremely when I don't get to see them all the time. Of course, there are exceptions: one person, who is countries away, and little children. And sometimes a few others. I hope that doesn't sound too cruel.

I'm at an interesting point in my life. Going to Utah and seeing old friends again these past few days made me realize this may be the last time for many of them. Many of them are going on their missions soon and who knows where I'll be once they get back? I guess I've just always been able to go back; goodbyes were never final. This time is different and it's easy for me, probably because I know I'll always talk to Joe at least.

Oh, and by the way, I've decided I like wooden toilet seats. It's warmer when you sit down.

Realignment

All that has been happening in my life these past few months can be put into three categories: work, school or personal things I would not write on a public website. The first two would make for a boring blog and the latter has not been written about for obvious reasons. These are my justifications for my lack-of posts.

As I've seen many of my friends go off to college, it seems as if many of them now have Facebook albums full of pictures of new friends, dorms, and etc. There have been brief moments where I find myself envying the social aspect of their lives, wondering what life would be like if I would have chosen some of my other college options. When you're not living on campus, Portland State University, at least from my experience, seems to not be as unified as many of the schools my friends are at; making new friends seems to not be as high on the priority scale for many of the people there. I wonder if that's because the average age attending PSU is higher than schools like UofO and BYU. As people get older, it seems as if having that large circle of friends just becomes less practical. Which is why I guess I fit well in the PSU atmosphere. Although a part of me craves companionship, as I've cultivated the more independent side of myself, where I've had more opportunity to be alone, I've also found a very desirable way of living; constantly spending time with friends, texting nonsense for the majority of the day and all the other crevices of being a social butterfly I've started to find to be extremely impractical, not to mention time consuming and quite possibly worthless in a lot of cases. There is a certain amount of loneliness involved with making the switch in lifestyles, but there is still much to appreciate. Maybe I was a hermit in another life?

To leave that paragraph as is, without further clarification, would be to lie in my own little way. I am content in many ways without the obligation of talking to people, but I can't help but admit that I do desire a handful of friends on which I can thoroughly rely, maybe even just one person. This sounds very girlish of me, but my mind automatically turns to marriage; I don't require a lot of people to be happy, but I think having that one person I love would be more than enough. Who knows when that will be, though? I certainly don't suspect any time soon.

Do you know what I've started to realize lately? The times that I'm mad, it's because I want to be. The times that I make poor decisions, it's because I want to do it. Even if, in my head or to other people, I express my complete distaste in being mad or in making bad decisions, all I am is justifying and lying. And I don't think I stand alone in this. We want to be mad when certain things set us off because it satisfies some little dark spot inside of us; we want to make poor choices because it momentarily makes us happy. With that being said, when we're mad or feeling any other negative emotion known to man, we have nothing to blame but ourselves. It's difficult for me to fully grasp that, though something or someone may intentionally or unintentionally create some circumstance for bitterness or anger or malice to be provoked in me, such responsibility and power we have over our own reactions and emotions if we but want it!

I sure have a lot of realigning to do.