I hope I fall in-love multiple times in my life; whether it's expressed in a conversation with a friend, seen in the eyes of two people you spot walking down the street or glamorized in the movies, that fresh, new, always exciting love really has the potential of keeping one going. As a point of clarification, though, I would like to point out that when I say I hope to fall in-love multiple times in my life, I do not mean that I wish to fall in love with multiple people; what I mean is that I desire to have that person I'm meant to be with and to fall in-love with that one person over and over again. It's not that I plan on falling out-of-love or allowing a relationship to become monotonous and dull; but rather, I like the thought of always loving that person, yet having a consistent renewal of that love, a constant growth. I've heard over and over again that marriage is hard, that love is hard; and yes, though I may be ignorant and though there are difficult things that I can imagine to exist, I hate really focusing on that. If marriage be hard, let it be the times when the two of you are away from one another; if love be difficult, let it be the sleep and work that makes it so you cannot indulge in it. Maybe, as I get older, I'll speak with a more realistic tongue, but, even then, I hope that I won't focus on all the things that may be "hard", but realize how love has sincerely made my life easy in so many ways.
There's nothing quite as demeaning as finding out that you're not as strong and untouchable and great as you thought you were; and yet, though I find the chiseling away of my pride unsettling, I find the discomfort valuable, even beautiful in ways. These past few months, namely all of summer, I've attained a heightened sense of the areas in my life that I am lacking or, in other words, many of my vices. And, with the help of others, I'm starting to see much--if not all--of these vices or flaws in my character stem from pride. It's not the kind of pride where I view myself as better than those around me, but the kind of pride where I've seemed to try to put out this image in my mind that I'm completely above my weaknesses and cannot be affected by them. That doesn't go to say that I don't believe that one can overcome weaknesses or become master over the things that strive to imprison oneself, for I know that one can choose, with the help of friends, family, God, etc., to not allow weaknesses to get the best of one's actions, but to knowingly put oneself into risky situations in thinking one can easily exercise restraint is a danger I thought myself immune to. As I've read The Autobiography & Other Writings by Benjamin Franklin, I've discovered I really like his description and view on pride:
"In reality, there is, perhaps, no one of our natural passions so hard to subdue as Pride. Disguise it, struggle with it, beat it down, stifle it, mortify it as much as one pleases, it is still alive, and will every now and then peep out and show itself; you will see it, perhaps, often in this history; for, even if I could conceive that I had completely overcome it, I should probably be proud of my humility."
That last part made me laugh out loud when I first read it! Obtaining a humble way of living and thinking and presenting oneself seems almost impossible; however, though impossible it may seem, though pride will seek to "peep out and show itself" every once in awhile, it's wonderful knowing that I can start now, start today, by just doing better. I'm not going to be perfect, but it's just a matter of consistently trying to rid myself of pride and really taking a look at myself and seeing what is in need of improvement. Of course that's easier said than done and I will probably not have the chance to report an official success of becoming conqueror, for I suspect this is a lifelong process.
If it wasn't for my lack-of time, considering that my life mostly consists of work and school at the present, I think I'd be taking greater advantage of this blog; it actually means a lot to me right now as I start considering, just as my lack-of time, my lack-of companions. In spite of my obvious romanticism at the beginning of this blog, I don't want a boyfriend or any type of romance happening in my life right now; what I want are a good handful of friends that I can spend time with, listen to and speak with. It's not that I don't have anybody, and I am grateful for the friends that I do have, but it just seems that many have left or I'm just not as close to the people I once was extremely close to. Such is life, I suppose, but I can't help but desire something new, or some type or renewal in what already exists. But I only want something simple, something that makes me happy and encourages me to do what's right. If there's anything other than that, I think I'd rather just be alone for now.
