As the Handprints Fade

When I woke up this morning (well, afternoon actually), it hurt to move my body; I tried lifting up my head, then my legs, then my arms and, with each attempt, each body part flopped back down to the bed. But you know what? My hopes and heart were still soaring high and I couldn't ask for more, couldn't be more thankful.

The job search continued today and I applied to two more places. Things started looking up even more when I got a call from Bank of America and now I have an interview for Monday! Wish me luck. It's kind of funny why I even started applying to banks: I had an interview at Macy's a week or so ago and I was told they would hire me on the spot if I only worked Sundays, but, since I don't, the lady interviewing me suggested I apply to banks, where I wouldn't have to work Sundays. I was a little bummed at first that I wouldn't be able to accept a job offer at Macy's, because I would have gotten to work either in cosmetics or fine jewelry, but it feels good knowing I stayed true to my beliefs, which I would be nothing without.

I took my little sisters Brandi and Kyra to the park today. Usually I would take them to Indian Hills, but they wanted some variety apparently, so I took them to Reedville Creek. I felt bad for little Kyra because she had the sun in her face the whole time we were walking there and I kept looking down at her in the stroller, where she had her arm across her eyes to shield herself from the light. There is a fountian at the park and I think that was Brandi and Kyra's favorite; I was a little hesistant to let them play in the water too much because of the sign that said "Please, don't play in the fountain", but I let them stick their feet in it. Kyra kept bending over, dipping her hands in the water and then leaving wet handprints on the stone enclosing the water; the first handprint would always be the most dark and defined, but then, with each consecutive slap on the stone, the handprints faded more and more. Maybe it was how little they were, but the fading handprints reminded me of how, with each passing year, each passing month, each passing day, even each passing minute, youth and innocence is constantly fading too. I don't like imagining not being able to hurriedly run up to my little sisters and enclose them in my arms with ease--and yet, I'd have it no other way, for I know that, though youth may be lost, with each inch they grow, our love and sisterhood grow two. I just hope that they always remember how much I love them, never questioning it, like a child.

I'm having a sleep over with Kendra tonight; we're planning on going to the store, picking up a bunch of candy and watching movies. Doesn't that sound great? It's been far too long since we last did anything like that together and I couldn't be looking forward to it more.

Diverted

In addition to having sore thighs and a huge bruise on my left elbow, going boating at the lake today with Nicole Rose provided me with a lot of inner freedom and peace; it's interesting that I could be hurting my body so good yet clearing and rejuvenating my mind at the same time. It's kind of an oxymoron. The tube Nicole and I went on was really hard to stay on, probably mostly because it was small, we were on our stomachs and we had just put on tanning lotion, which made us super slippery! I'm pretty sure I fell off the most; not sure why that happened. I also knee boarded for my second time and it made me happy that I was able to get up all three times that I tried. However, though I really enjoyed all the adrenaline of tubing and knee boarding, I think my favorite part was just sitting in the boat and making laps around the lake; there's something about the wind in my face and the sparkle in the water from the sun hitting it just right that is so diverting. It's like all my worries and all the things that were bothering me just whisked away with the air passing by--and it still hasn't come back to haunt me. I'm just really happy right now, and I haven't been able to say that for awhile. I think a big part of feeling happy again has to do with experiencing all of today with such a great friend, too; Nicole and I tried going tubing separately, but I know I soon realized that it was much nicer screaming and laughing and almost dying when you're next to someone, even if it did make the tube a little more squishy.

Today, as I was writing in my journal, something hit me: Why hold on to someone who leaves you feeling unhappy and unsatisfied after almost every time you try communicating with them? I understand that there are sometimes exceptions to that, like with a spouse or family member, but it just doesn't make sense to put yourself through a milder version of hell for someone who isn't going to be there long term, who, on top of that, really sucks at even being there short term. It's better to just cut your losses and move on sometimes, no matter how beautiful or invigorating the past may be.

Oh, today I also realized that you shouldn't just toss a grape in your mouth. Why you ask? Well, it just doesn't taste as good that way; the best way to eat a grape is to carefully peel off the skin with your teeth and then toss the grape in your mouth. I'm sure that you're a lot better off now that you know that information.

Want to know who is one of the best people I know? My younger sister Cheyenne. When I think of someone perfect, she immediately comes to mind; I deeply appreciate her raw goodness, her constant smile and so many other things that words could never do her justice. Years ago, though we've always loved each other, our relationship wasn't so good; however, I love the unique relationship we have now and how I can consider her one of my best friends. It's not like we constantly are having deep, long conversations together, but I can say with the utmost conviction that some of the most precious moments to me are the memories of her and I staying up late (on school nights when we really needed to go to bed) and simply just talking.

Well, speaking of Cheyenne, her and I are about to watch Phantom of the Opera, so I guess I'm done for tonight :)

Gorging on Distractions

Usually distractions get on my nerves, but, lately, I welcome them with open arms; there's nothing better than something to get your mind off things. Merely trying to not think about something is vicious, for it only causes my brain to tick even more about exactly what I want my mind to be vacant of. The only way to be free is to stuff my mind to the very brink with other things, like boating, which I'm doing tomorrow, and skydiving, which I'm doing in a little less than two weeks; anything with the wind striking my face, slipping through my skull and stealing my brain is much appreciated. I think I wish to not be able to think at all sometimes.

I'm really thankful for my friends Joe and Nicole today. It's not like I talk to them daily or hang out with them at least once a week, but--no matter how much time passes or the distance in between us--it's nice knowing that they are still there. I love 'em.

I have been eating out so much lately! Last week, I ate out at Shari's twice and Red Robins once; this week, I ate at some place (I can't remember the name, but it was a really yummy Italian place) in Portland with Mikel and Jimmy Mak's yesterday with Nicole. Jimmy Mak's is probably my favorite restraunt, for the live jazz band playing in the background just really brings some great energy to any dinner; the calamari there is also exceptional! You need to go there sometime if you've never been.

Despite my admitted love for all the distractions in my life right now, I do feel slightly guilty gorging in them the way I have; I feel that I need to start focusing myself again. Many may say that having a bunch of fun could never be a bad thing, but too much of practically anything can be detrimental. As long as I get my act together before, Septemeber 27, when school starts, I think I'll be fine.

Well, I'm off to go swimming with some friends. Maybe I'll sit at the bottom of the pool for awhile.

Desolate

I have so much to say, yet nothing to say at all; I don't know if I'll be able to pull the words from my heart, through my shoulders, through my arms, to my hands today. It's a twisted paradox that makes it difficult to write a blog with as much enthusiasm as I usually feel, but I hole up, create walls and sit in those confines all alone far too often, so here's my feeble, momentary attempt to defy my usual trend. And yet, I can't help but think it all in vain, this vulnerability.

I've decided that I really like nice people. I guess most people do, but lately I've felt prone to especially appreciating them. As I've been applying to different places for jobs and calling to follow-up, I've talked to some of the most helpful, kind people; these strangers I've never even seen brightened up my day when many of those that I know, that I talk to often, that I spend time with haven't afforded me with the same type of seemingly genuine interest. I make it seem that I need all sorts of special attention, but it's not like that; it's more that I simply desire to have someone of which I can depend on--and those someones seem to be very scarce (or in another country). Some reciprocity would be nice; and not feeling like opening up who I am, what I think, how I feel is a burden on another would be the nicer still, which I guess is why I'm communicating this to a blog rather than an actual person. I miss feeling needed by someone and it's bothering me that strangers seem to care more than the people I'm closer to. Maybe my perspective is just especially skewed and unclear; however, whether I'm justified or not, it doesn't matter. The only person that I have to live with 24/7 is myself, so I think I just need to find ways to keep myself busy and distract myself. In fact, my mom, in her good nature, suggested that I look into some type of service, which sounds like a wise idea, though, ironically, it's when we're feeling down or having a hard time that it feels hardest to step up and focus on other people's problems. It really helps, though. I'll keep my eyes open for someone who needs me.

There's so much more I could say, and even feel like saying to a certain extent, but this is enough for now.