All that has been happening in my life these past few months can be put into three categories: work, school or personal things I would not write on a public website. The first two would make for a boring blog and the latter has not been written about for obvious reasons. These are my justifications for my lack-of posts.
As I've seen many of my friends go off to college, it seems as if many of them now have Facebook albums full of pictures of new friends, dorms, and etc. There have been brief moments where I find myself envying the social aspect of their lives, wondering what life would be like if I would have chosen some of my other college options. When you're not living on campus, Portland State University, at least from my experience, seems to not be as unified as many of the schools my friends are at; making new friends seems to not be as high on the priority scale for many of the people there. I wonder if that's because the average age attending PSU is higher than schools like UofO and BYU. As people get older, it seems as if having that large circle of friends just becomes less practical. Which is why I guess I fit well in the PSU atmosphere. Although a part of me craves companionship, as I've cultivated the more independent side of myself, where I've had more opportunity to be alone, I've also found a very desirable way of living; constantly spending time with friends, texting nonsense for the majority of the day and all the other crevices of being a social butterfly I've started to find to be extremely impractical, not to mention time consuming and quite possibly worthless in a lot of cases. There is a certain amount of loneliness involved with making the switch in lifestyles, but there is still much to appreciate. Maybe I was a hermit in another life?
To leave that paragraph as is, without further clarification, would be to lie in my own little way. I am content in many ways without the obligation of talking to people, but I can't help but admit that I do desire a handful of friends on which I can thoroughly rely, maybe even just one person. This sounds very girlish of me, but my mind automatically turns to marriage; I don't require a lot of people to be happy, but I think having that one person I love would be more than enough. Who knows when that will be, though? I certainly don't suspect any time soon.
Do you know what I've started to realize lately? The times that I'm mad, it's because I want to be. The times that I make poor decisions, it's because I want to do it. Even if, in my head or to other people, I express my complete distaste in being mad or in making bad decisions, all I am is justifying and lying. And I don't think I stand alone in this. We want to be mad when certain things set us off because it satisfies some little dark spot inside of us; we want to make poor choices because it momentarily makes us happy. With that being said, when we're mad or feeling any other negative emotion known to man, we have nothing to blame but ourselves. It's difficult for me to fully grasp that, though something or someone may intentionally or unintentionally create some circumstance for bitterness or anger or malice to be provoked in me, such responsibility and power we have over our own reactions and emotions if we but want it!
I sure have a lot of realigning to do.
I'm just gonna jump right in here - being here at BYU, away from home, has forced me to make new friends. I didn't really have a choice. It's so different not living with my family, not having them here for me to rely on. Back home when I felt alone, I could just go home and eventually my mom or my brother would come home. But not here. Since I've moved away from home I've experienced a loneliness that I have never experienced before. Luckily I'm on a campus full of friendly people that will talk to you no matter what. But that wore off really quickly when I realized I had talked to zillions of people on the bus, but still had nothing to do on a Friday night. The beginning of the semester was insanely difficult. And as terrible as it sounds, I can't be mean to my roommates when I'm having a bad day, the way I could to my family. It sounds so bad.. But my family loves me unconditionally, and well, my roommates don't. I'm lucky that I found friends here, but it took a lot of praying. To be honest, I was surprised to read this blog. I guess I assumed your life would be the same, since you were back home. The same meaning you have tons of friends and everyone thinks you're bomb. I'm sorry I assumed that, I didn't realize you were going through the same things as me. I love you Shanari! I can't wait to see you :) Remember that you're not alone. (I hope this over-sized comment at least sorta made sense..)
ReplyDeleteOh, Nicole!
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading that. I guess we both did some assuming :) I didn't realize it had been so hard on you either and I'm sorry if I wasn't there for you more. I guess it's easy to be on the outside looking in, take a short glance and decide that things look a lot better than they probably are.
But I wonder, what cures this universal loneliness? Does it ever go away? We're both in such different atmospheres, but feel something of the same thing. Sometimes I wish I could just cut it out, you know?
I would have to say charity cures it :) When we stop thinking about ourselves and wonder, "Hey, I wonder if they have any plans tonight? I'm lonely, but I bet they are having a hard time, too." As soon as I started praying to find someone for me to be there for, Marynn and I started being friends. She is the relief society president had been praying to find counselors that could be her friends. And I happened to walk past her one day and she asked my name and then called me to be her counselor. I started praying that I'd be able to be a good counselor and support her. As soon as I started praying to be there for someone else, it all started falling into place. I firmly believe in the idea that “it is by loving and not by being loved that one can come nearest to the soul of another.” It's just really hard when they don't do it back.. >.< Luckily Marynn is great and she does haha
ReplyDeleteShanari, when reading the part in your post about choices and how you choose your own way of being in every circumstance, I was reminded of a book that you would probably like.
ReplyDeleteIt is called 'The Anatomy of Peace'. The book is written by the Arbinger Institute. The exact authors are not mentioned, because they wanted the book to be about the subject and not the authors or anyone else.
Anyway, Anasazi, is completely based on this concept and the ideas behind the seminars, 'The Choice' and 'The Choice Intervention', are all about how we create our own realities through our choices. The book 'The Anatomy of Peace' is completely full of many concepts that can help in everyday life, in nearly every relationship we have or ever will have, work, school, etc. The training I went through was in regards to how we make choices every day which may lead to consequences of some kind.
Obviously what I learned may have changed me and improved my life, but I know I have a long ways to go in applying everything correctly and accurately all the time, because I only have a limited understanding and grasp of it all. This is a book that is meant to be read over and over again and like the Gospel, the ideas learned can and probably will take a lifetime to learn and proficiently apply into our lives.